Owen*, like many children of Asian parents, was expected to follow a clear path laid out by his parents — in his case, becoming a doctor. Despite excelling academically, Owen’s real passions, such as becoming a fitness coach, were dismissed as “crazy” by his parents. Even something as simple as reading literature books was not allowed. The weight of these expectations, combined with the pressure to succeed, led Owen to struggle with anxiety.
To cope, he sought help from a school psychiatrist, whose medication helped him manage his overwhelming thoughts. However, the stress of academic life and his family’s expectations was too much. In 2019, Owen made the difficult decision to drop out of university, letting go of the dream his parents had for him. This decision ultimately led to a breaking point — when they pressured him to return to school, Owen packed his belongings and left the family home, severing ties with them.
His parents continued to pressure him, even threatening his partner with a lawsuit. But Owen had made up his mind. He ignored all attempts from his parents to contact him, and despite the emotional toll, he found peace in his newfound independence.
Owen’s story is not unique. He is one of many who face the emotional weight of toxic parenting — a term that refers to patterns of behaviour that can be emotionally damaging to children. According to Dr. Cyrus Ho, a consultant psychiatrist, toxic parenting often involves controlling, manipulative, self-centered behaviours, and passive-aggressiveness. The younger generation, more vocal about their mental health, has brought this issue to the forefront, with many seeking to break free from these unhealthy dynamics.
For Kelly*, a 16-year-old girl, the effects of toxic parenting were even more severe. After years of emotional neglect from her mother, Kelly attempted to take her own life at 14. Her mother’s reaction was both overwhelming and dismissive, offering brief concern followed by neglect. This emotional rollercoaster left Kelly feeling unsupported and invalidated. Thankfully, after reaching out to a youth centre and seeking counseling, Kelly is learning to cope, though she continues to struggle with her feelings toward her mother.
For Owen, two and a half years away from home has brought significant improvement to his mental health. He no longer feels bound by his parents’ expectations or manipulated by their behaviour. “The freedom to choose what I want for myself, this is what I need,” he shared. While he doesn’t plan to reconcile with his parents anytime soon, Owen is focused on building a life that feels true to himself.
Dr. Ho recommends that those dealing with toxic parents should first try open communication. If that doesn’t work, the next step is “self-moderation” — accepting the situation as it is and moving forward. He also emphasizes the importance of establishing boundaries, practicing self-empathy, and surrounding oneself with a strong support network.
For parents, Dr. Ho stresses the importance of open, respectful communication. Parents should recognize their child’s perspective and approach discussions as equals, while still providing guidance. He also acknowledges the stress that parenting brings and advises parents to manage their emotions to prevent displacing them onto their children.